After Retirement

After retirement, Tom Johnson looked forward to some relaxation time and putting his feet up, but his wife had other ideas.

She insisted that he take her to the Greenwood Park Mall every day. Like most men, Tom found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out. She like most women, loved to browse, which left Tom with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday his dear wife received the following letter from Greenwood Mall Park management:

Dear Mrs. Johnson,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our mall.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the mall.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Johnson, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

January 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Macy’s Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

February 4: Went to the Sweet Factory and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

February 14: Moved a “CAUTION—WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area in Von Maur.

February 15: Set up a tent in the camping department in Dick’s Sporting Goods and told children to find and bring back the needed pillows, blanket, and sleeping bags to fill the tent, and twenty children obliged.

February 23: When a clerk at Old Navy asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?” EMTs were called.

March 4: Looking right into an American Eagle security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

April 3: Darted around Barnes & Noble suspiciously while, loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme song.

April 18: Hid in a clothing rack at Macy’s and, when people browsed through it, yelled, “PICK ME! PICK ME!”

May 22: When an announcement came over the mall’s loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed: “OH, NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!”

And last, but not least:

June 23: Went into a Von Maur fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.” One of the clerks passed out.

“…He who is of a merry heart has a continual feast,” PROVERBS 15:15